i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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