I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
