Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
