dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
