Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
