i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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