no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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