Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
