I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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