5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
