Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
