my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
