and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
