Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
