oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
