Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
