I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
