i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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