Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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