Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Randomize
