I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
