I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
