If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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