I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
