I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
