conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
someone owes me an orgasm
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
