so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
