I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
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There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
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I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.