do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
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I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
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Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.