I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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