i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Randomize
