How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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