My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
