I love black thongs
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
