I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
