At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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