everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
