Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
