I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
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