do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Randomize
