So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
