I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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