apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Randomize
