I heard we made out
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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