jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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