my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
