You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Dicks are not precious.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
