Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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