His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
