Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Randomize
