I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
