yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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