mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
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You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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