Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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