I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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