$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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