someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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