I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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