Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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