I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
