Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
